The Collapse

Everything seems rather gray these days. Gray in the sense of blurriness, I guess. Not sad? But then again, there is a bit of that in it, too.

I do not understand what I have to do, anymore.
It is not that I am stupid or that I cannot do anything, it is just that I do not KNOW what to do.
Sometimes, I feel as if I do know, as if I have always known, but then again, I wonder, and realize that I was just thinking in weird circles or something.
But then again, I still do not know.

It is really confusing, what I am thinking or trying to say.
I cannot say it for lack of a better way to explain this, to explain this frustration, this helplessness.

I wish I could.

Everyday, I spend hours, my mind spends countless hours, trying to figure out why what happened and why it did.
Going through all the little events, all the flashes, all the tears, it tries to sort through it, trying to find an answer or maybe an open door that leads to one.
But really, all I could find were more doors, more closed doors. Either that, or just empty white rooms with no windows or means of escape, with nothing...and no one.

There does not seem to be much left, anymore.
In me, I guess.
Just trying to figure things out is so very tiring, and so very emotionally draining.

I would understand it all if I could.
I would do something about it all if I could.
I would help if I could.
If only I could.
I am trying.

I wish I could.